Anonymous sources at an certain ministry in the Central Government told an undisclosed reporter of a popular but nameless daily newspaper that at a meeting of the Embowelled Group of Mantrijis, chaired by a de facto (if not de jure) Head of Government (HoG), a new act quietly passed through both Houses during Happy Hour and is set to change the face of Indian politics. The salient features of the new legislation are presented for general delectation in the larger public interest.
“The Indian Corruption, Taking of Kickbacks and Commission of Illegalities (Regularisation and Legalizing of Nefarious Activities) Act, 2010” or ICTKCI (pronounced “Icky-Ticky”) will come into force with retrospective effect from 1 April 2010 or on the 1st of April in any other year. It extends to territories presently controlled by the Union or any State (which excludes all Maoist-“infested” area, about a third of the country).
Section 2 contains many interesting definitions. Corruption is said to be the giving of any amount, with or without acknowledgement or receipt, to any public servant for the performance by such public servant of any duty, service or obligation and includes a bribe by whatever name called (“tip”, “gratuity”, “bonus”, “bribe”, “hafta”, “baksheesh”, “chai-paani”, “khayal rakhna”).
The long-winded and utterly impenetrable definition of ‘kickbacks’ (referral fees, finder’s fees, brokerage, scalper’s take) is what we always knew it to be: a backhander for work or business referrals; and a ‘commission of illegality’ is, we are told with uncommon perspicacity, the doing of any act prohibited by law and includes the not doing of any act required by law.
Chapter II of the Icky-Ticky Act says it is lawful (and shall be deemed to have always been lawful) to participate in any act of corruption, to give a kickback or to commit an illegality. Any amount, whether in cash or kind, is lawful consideration and may now be given by cheque, demand draft, letter of credit, promissory note or by electronic transfer. Henceforth, all such amounts must be acknowledged by receipt.
Tax will be deducted at source.
Chapter III, “Of the Entitlement of Public Servants to Bribes”, says that notwithstanding anything contained in any law, any teaching of Mahatma Gandhi, any dialogue in Lage Raho Munnabhai (or any other movie, book, play or poem), every public servant is entitled to demand and receive any amount for the performance of any duty and to refuse such performance if the demand is not met. Similarly, kickbacks are legalized by Chapter III, and Chapter IV allows every person to commit such illegality as he deems fit or expedient to be committed.
Officials claim that the Icky-Ticky Act is visionary. “Corruption will simply be eradicated,” smiled one senior bureaucrat, displaying his new ledger. “No more under the table stuff.”
“We adopted the Dutch model,” said another. “They legalized prostitution and drugs. We just took it to the next level.”
Ministers, too, are ecstatic. “I don’t have to worry about nosy whistleblowers and pesky journalists any more,” said one, swanning around in his brand new Audi Q7 SUV (his 12-year-old son drives the two-month old BMW X5; the minister is “bored” with it) with illegal tinted glasses and number plates in Devnagari. “Besides, it makes decision making much simpler. I simply plonk in favour of the bloke who pays me the most. That’s so reasonable, na? All this pee-i-yell-she-aai-yell nonsense will stop and that will also make our law minister and judges very happy. It is definitely a win-win situation.”
Indeed, there is much merit in the Icky-Ticky Act. Based on the pay-as-you-go principle, it considerably reduces the burden on the exchequer. “We are already considering reducing income tax to 0.1 percent,” said a source in the finance ministry. “What do we need the money for now? Everything will be paid for by bribes. All the black money will be flushed out. And everyone knows that there is several times more of that in our system than the white stuff.”
Not everybody is as happy. “This is very bad joss for us,” whispered a banker in Zug. “All those huge Indian accounts … poof! Gone!”
“Humbug,” snapped a building contractor in Delhi. “This is a wonderful move. Let the Games begin.”
Another version of this article, scarred by a copy editor, first appeared on Friday, 13 August 2010 in the Mumbai Mirror and Bangalore Mirror.
Uncommon Wealth Games
Anonymous sources at an certain ministry in the Central Government told an undisclosed reporter of a popular but nameless daily newspaper that at a meeting of the Embowelled Group of Mantrijis, chaired by a *de facto* (if not *de jure*) Head of Government (HoG), a new act quietly passed through both Houses during Happy Hour and is set to change the face of Indian politics. The salient features of the new legislation are presented for general delectation in the larger public interest.
